Being outgoing, patient, and generous has not helped you. Go back to being your cheap, miserable, lazy self and save yourself both money and effort.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The evil twin that you never knew you had is Googling you.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
It is time to let the real you shine through--lose the toupee, hold the makeup, unhook that wonderbra. It's the year of the loser, in all its greasy, smelly, saggy, wretched glory.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
It might be worth your while to sleep upside down this year. Stop getting up on the wrong side of the bed.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Try to impress others by talking in abstract metaphors. Disguise your stupidity by confusing them.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
This will be the year of abundance—abundant failures, copious amounts of stupidity, unending streaks of bad luck, and a cornucopia of rejections.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 23)
Don't try so hard. It leads to disappointments in life.
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21)
You are sharp like a bowling ball, marvelous like a snail's snot, and a welcoming sunshine on a rainy day like a juicy bird poo on a freshly cleaned car.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Your stars are not looking so bright this year, a little foggy, actually. Do not make important decisions involving lots of money, hairy people, or meerkats.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
This year holds many bad hair days for you. Remember, a nasty food stain on your shirt or a wondering booger on your chin is a great way to keep people from noticing that disaster on top of your head.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Old proverb says he who drives an ass must of necessity smell its fart. Be the ass, not the fart-sniffing ass driver.
Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
The healthy movements in your stars indicate likewise for your bowels. Sorry, your blotchy complexion will have to wait another year.
"A fun and breezy read. Anie channels The Far Side
with great success and maintains an acidic,
devious tone throughout the entire book."
- Ain't It Cool News
CLICK BELOW TO ORDER YOUR BOOK NOW (U.S.)*
movie screens, Coke ads, and merchandise. But don't let those happy
feet fool you. When they're not surfing or marching bravely across the
Antarctic, penguins have a whole other agenda. And it isn't pretty.
What's black-and-white and evil all over? In Evil Penguins, Elia Anie captures the antics
of cute little birds who have gone over to the dark side. Here are
cartoons of penguins leading revolts, giving SpongeBob a swirly,
causing plagues, clubbing baby seals, killing Eskimos while dressed as
ninjas, and wreaking havoc in dozens of other hysterically appalling
If you thought the worst a penguin could do is make you
feel guilty about global warming, think again. A perfect gift book and a must-have for both penguin lovers and those
who know that evil can come in even the cuddliest packages.
Amazon Europe Cover
La La the king penguin. He was
rescued from a fisherman's line and refused to leave after he was
healed. He is a beloved pet for the rescuer's family in
Japan. See him wearing a backpack and going shopping for fish.